The great knights of Donald Trump and their quest for the Voter Fraud

Opinions The great knights of Donald Trump and their quest for the Voter Fraud Opinion by Alexandra Petri Columnist November 12, 2020 at 5:22 PM EST Lo, it was a chill day of November and the wind did blow from the north, and then did President Trump gather all his great champions to the Resolute Table, for he waxed wroth. And the lieutenant governor of Texas did gather, and the senators from Georgia, both junior and senior, and Mike Pence the vice president, of gray hair and stern countenance, who had vowed a mighty vow to dine with no maiden saving only his wedded wife, did gather, and they all did prepare themselves to hearken unto what the president would bespeak them of. Follow the latest on Election 2020 And he said unto his beknighteds, “I have seen a terrible vision of a great Voter Fraud. It hath robbed me of the presidency which is mine by right, as has been foretold to me many times by OANN and Newsmax and other outlets. Of the betrayal of Fox News let me speak not! But this Voter Fraud is a fearsome beast, and it hath devoured up millions upon millions of ballots, though none has seen it, save these 234 pages of signed Michigan affidavits, which were alas mainly hearsay or a misunderstanding of how the votes were to be counted. But it grieveth me full sore that none has detected it no wheres, which is sign of its great cunning and stealth, for it possesseth the ability both to devour up many hundreds upon thousands of ballots and to go invisible.” And he commanded them that they go forth and seek out the Voter Fraud and find proof of it, and then he should reward them with much gold that he had raised up from amongst his loyal followers, and Rudy Giuliani should bespeak them fair and give unto them even half his kingdom total landscaping. AD And they rode forth in quest of this Voter Fraud. But no Voter Fraud did they see. And they did wander all across the land in quest of it. And Joe Biden did offer them water to drink if they would but leave their quest and congratulate him, but at his hands they would accept none, and congratulations did they offer not the one. And they did find some poll-watchers who said that they had averted their eyes for a moment and in that moment perhaps the terrible monster had come swooping in with his talons to destroy certain votes and deposit other votes, but no evidence of this could they discover, though they sought long and hard. Many an enchanter and a teller of tales did they discover who could think of many ways that a Voter Fraud might have happened, but by none of them had it been seen. And a fraud hotline did they establish, and many maidens came unto the hotline, but the maidens were all pranking it for the lols. And they rode up and down the land in quest of the Voter Fraud or even one who had seen the Voter Fraud and might point them in its direction, but none did they discover. They had many questions to inquire of this dread beast: For why should it rage and raven upon the ballots for the president, but leave the down-ballot Republicans untouched, and why should it deliver back unto the Congress all the Republican incumbents it might wish, and only wound the president full sore? AD They traveled many leagues in quest of it. And they bespied a postal worker who said that he had seen the Voter Fraud, but he did not speak them full sooth, and no Voter Fraud did they find. And they found the great beast Gritty, rampant orange over the streets of Philadelphia, but no Voter Fraud did they find. And Trump did fulminate that 2 million votes had been destroyed by the vile sorcerer Dominion, but no sign of this could they see. And the great knights were sore beset, and they said, “Is it that I am not pure? I seek the Voter Fraud in vain, full many weeks, and soon the count shall be certified and no Voter Fraud shall I have seen, and then the Presidency shall be lost.” And homeward they did wend their way, full sore, and Trump inquired of them if they had seen the beast and done battle with it. And they said, “My liege, we did battle with the secretary of state of Georgia, but Voter Fraud saw we none. And we did ally ourselves with divers postal workers of dubious credibility, but Voter Fraud saw we none. And many lawsuits did we raise, but in the lawsuits we could not allege that we had actually seen any Voter Fraud happening, we just wanted to look like we were doing something and delay the count, for we have not seen hide nor hair of the Voter Fraud.” AD And the noise was great in the court, for he would not leave off believing in this beast, whom he had dreamed of many times, even unto 2016, and he did send them back forth from his castle gates. And legend has it that they are seeking it to this very day, and if ye see a faint light, like unto a not-bright bulb, that wavers over the great cornfields and under the great overpasses of this fair land, it may be one of them still questing for this immense Voter Fraud, hoping to delay yet more the certification of the ballots. But no one has glimpsed it yet.